If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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