She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
