Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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