So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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