I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
