I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
