Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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