I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
