Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
