i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
where are my eyebrows?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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