tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize