Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
