Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
