i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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