I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
