K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
