My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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