Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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