Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize