I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
