There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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