I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
