I just threw up on my dentist
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
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