how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
