Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
