By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
