Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
3 2 1 whiskey
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
