I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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