i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
