The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
