capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I just had sex on a roof
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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