he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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