the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
