sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize