you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
