he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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