what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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