So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
