Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize