just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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