I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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