Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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