i may or may not be watching the land before time
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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