do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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