Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
