Don't make out with my wife yet
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
So here I am, sexting at work.
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