can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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