When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
