it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize