69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
