Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Randomize
