I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
