Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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