so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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